hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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