Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
