stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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