I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
