Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
