I faked an abortion last night.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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