I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Randomize
