Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
