We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
