Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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