Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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