I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I checked into jail on foursquare
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
