I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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