Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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