Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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