Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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