You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
