Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
