i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
