My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
