Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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