Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
