you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
