I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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