i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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