She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
