so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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