grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
