captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
