There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
