Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
