so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
