You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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