thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
