i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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