then he tried to convert me to islam
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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