tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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