I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
