So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
