I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
