You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
