my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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