Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
