I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
