can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
