Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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