Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
