I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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