Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
