Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
