Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
