I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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